Outside the Box

When children speak
By Don Klein
 
When you come right down to it, the summer is really the children’s time. I know we all enjoy the outdoorsy qualities of warm weather, but adults still have to work and are really part-time summer activists. It is different for the younger set. School is out, the beach is waiting, camps are full, it is time for fun and more fun.
 
That is great for them. Enjoy it while you can kiddles. The time will come soon enough when, as grownups, summer will only be a warmer version of the rest of the year except for a short vacation somewhere like the Ocean City area. That is why I love to watch kids, especially tots, in the summer time.
 
Go to he beach any day and you will see them busily engaged in the most urgent matters of the day for first graders – building sand castles, charging into the surf before retreating from oncoming waves, wearing outsized sunglasses, screaming on all sorts of arcade rides, invading candy stores especially if they also sell ice cream and all-in-all having the best time of their young lives.
 
In a Fenwick Island candy shop the other day I witnessed a young girl run up to her watchful father and blurt, “I want to live here all year.” He smiled, perhaps wondering as I did, whether she meant she wanted to live in the candy story or at the beach. Whichever she meant, the fact is that kids say what’s on their minds without deep analytic thought.
 
That brings me to a series of elementary school pupils’ statements sent to me by a friend. They are reprinted here as said, without editing, with original spelling, to preserve the ambiance. These Catholic school children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. Here are some of their answers, the italics are mine:
 
“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.”  Can you guess what this child’s father likes to drink?
 
“Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree,” another child declared, “Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came in pears.” Take away the references to fruit and all that is wrong with this is a couple of millennia.
 
Another said, “Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.” No comment. 
 
This, from a budding urologist. “The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.”
 
“Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.” Huh?
 
And from a young food critic, “Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without ingredients.”
 
This biblical report sounds like a case for Inspector Morse. “The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.”
 
Another claimed “The Seventh Commandment is Thou shalt not admit adultery.” Again, no comment.
 
“Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle if Geritol.” After 40 years in the desert, what would you expect?
 
“The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.”  Even today, that is a miracle.
 
“David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar,” like most politicians “He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.” Noisy neighbors are hard to avoid.
 
“Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.” I think he is the one who coined the phrase, “I get the point.”
 
“When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.” Of course, who wouldn’t?           .
 
“Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.” Do not ask me to explain that one.
 
“Jesus enunciated The Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you.” Now this kid is older than you think.
 
“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”    Not so loud, please.
 
“The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.”  Something to write home about.
                                                                                     
“One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.” I bet he only drove at night
“St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.”  A marriage counselor in the making.
 
“Christians have only one spouse, this is called monotony.” Again, no comment.
 
            
Send an Email Letter to Courier Editor - be sure to include your telephone number.